Fill in the blanks

Sometimes, i think i cared too much, in the end, i hurt myself even more knowing that others had help u settled ur things..well then, i mean, don't ask me settle things that others could've settled, bcz if you find me and im not tat available and u've settled it later...
i will feel hopeless, useless that i cant attend to u immediately and cant help u solve it..
tho i noe, u've settled it, but part of me wishes that im the one solving it,
and i do noe i shudve been happy, but then....(i think im gona get heart attack)..

Prolly, im overreacting,
but it seems like im the one at fault...
now, i do not how to face u, bcz i noe, u will sense it...
i jz dun wana add more problems to wat u oredi have that i cant help...
it pains me...

So...i guess..im gona...sit here...and click refresh..

Ai Lan's Birthday~!!

Well well well...the day had finally came....the small little girl had finally become the young adult...well, i said young bcz she is small size...HAHAHA...so..young young young~forever YOUNG!!!


so, being out sooo damn early, 10pm, well...its kinda weird...i mean although all people reached at 11pm..*duh* haha~well, not to blame them tho....its just tat..wat are we all gona do so early??
well then...when the "pig leg" come, the situation is like a bit awkward...cant blame them...haha...xkan everyone  talk to her meh...hahaha~..so everybdy waited like siao siao there...


welll, after wasting about 46mins of doing nothing there...Its time to go prepare..I went to take my present while JK take the cake...Thanks the Kakak for lending us the Freezer...but no thanks to her for telling Ai Lan where is the cake...>.<


so, we walked across the big field, and pass the centre stage (duno wats that called)...up the stairs, and into the side corner..planning to surprise her..but then again...the 2 people we called to bring her here, said they cant do it...so change of plan..
jusst bring it straight to her!!!
but FAIL!!! surprise FAIL!!!
EPIC FAIL!!
aduiii~


nvm..so, sang a birthday song....eh, no...not one..but 2,3,4...4 birthday songs, hahaha...
then starts to blow candles, and cut the cake...
but SHE DUNO CUT!!!
walao...this little girl, memang hang fook de...before this ade have soup to drink...
now...get to be served by boys...walao!!!
haha~really a princess arrr.. =D


So, afta distributing the cakes...(well, i was busy taking pics), then all i know is tat, the cake war starts..lol
I din noe when does this happen..but then, people start running around...haha...then she wanted to splat people's face with ice-cream, and pity her, running all around but not getting to smudge other people..instead she kena...hehehe...

seeing her like this, the pitiness in me took over, i offered her tissues to wipe..but she SMUDGE my HAND!!!
then, of course..i chased her...and smudge her back...aiks~!!! kena her hair!!! oh no!!! im sorryy~~i didnt meant too..so...another round of pitiness came again, and i take another tissue for her to wipe..but she kept running and chasing others...lol....well then..but i do pity her much, with her unable to smudge ppl, (unless they are willing to) , due to her height and inability to run faster..hehe~ so, she ran till she sweats...ahh....then pitiness took control again..lloll..but..NOt much tissue left.. (damn, i shud bring more)..
what can i do? no tisue for her to wipe...oh gosh....dang...


well then....let it dry by itself ba... =(


so, i began snapping away again..haha...this time..i saw some perfect pics...hahahaaah....butt PICS!!.....
sexy ass....thanks to Soon Yin....
well, before that...ya right...i 4gt...i ran off to take my present for her!!..


i called it..The Hanging Montaj (dono wat other name to call dy hahaha)

80% done

This present actually took half a day for me to finish it...Not counting the pre-making time...hahaa...
spend the first few weeks, giving out wish cards...
for them to start writing..
and then went to buy the materials, collecting boxes...
washing out pics...etc
Took some days for the pre-event..but well...
even did a lot of funny things hahaa ...




Then when all is done, on the 20th, i started doing the assemble process...cutting the cardboard, measuring slicing etc..hehe~well, i did do it twice, since im not happy with the first try...aa...such a perfectionist when it comes to DIY stuffs...and of course, i laughed out loud when i saw her signature word...hahhahahaa...

seriously laughed at this

99.9% done, finishing up

added last touch up and its DONE

So, afta some long hours, i finally made it...pheww....
haha, am pleased with myself, although i may have done better...
but at least...its the best that i can offer..
am glad to know she loves it soo much...pains to know that i needed to keep it a secret..=(
gosh...sorry for lying to u..
well....gosh it wont fall apart...may not expect the wish cards to stick for long..but at least the fotos inside...and the frame...may be a last longer...=D
hope that u can remember this special 21st birthday...
For i have said before, things that i wanted to have, but didn't get, i will make sure the other person (whom i have a deep connection to) will have what i missed...
So, this is my gift for you, and as promised, i had made you an unforgettable birthday celebration ever...


Well, at last..there are several reasons that made me opt to NOT put my pics, and my wish card...at first i thought of putting both inside..But then again, there is no space for me (i'm still in the pics leh), and for the wish card.. that whole "montaj-like" thingy, is my greatest wish for you, mustnt be too greedy...
at least by doin this, u will remember for as long as this thing holds up, and that, is enuf for me ler...hehe~



Well, nuff' said...thats all i have to write, for now..


Annnndddd, i wana thanks all those guys (and girls) for willing to cooperate wif me, writing ur wishes...and making this a success...thanks to everyone of u for putting a HUUUUGGGEEEE smile on his preettttyy birthday girl's face..its just pricelesss to get to see her smiile like dat...=D


So, Happy birthday Ai Lan, and may you get what you wished for...without hassle...=D

Part Of Me

See, i never knew it is a part of me that existed...it never been so strong...yet..these few days...i felt tat....well..actually it should be these few months...i felt that this emotion had gotten stronger...I couldnt remember it being a part of me...

I've read a lot, assume i knew, tho it is stated clearly..i owaz brush if off...due to me knowing that i do not, have this feel..But...when that day comes....i seriously think twice....the feel, is more than what i could have handle...It more than what i expect...Its hurting me inside...yet...it is only that feel that causes me hurt...

I really tot i could have handle it...but..well....actually, who am i to tell that i could??
I do not know hw long will it lasts....I don't expect it to leave early..
I don't expect me to recover so soon...
It is the one thing i will be forever be stuck with...

Worry~

Why is it everytime you would wana make me worry so much?
Its not good for my heart you know?
Everytime I worry, my heart goes beebop beebop beebop,
at this heartbeat rate, one day I'll get a heart attack...


Today, however, you gave me 2x the worry...
shit~
The first worry is when you said you are not sleeping today...
well, not that I know you USED to sleep that late...
I'd be the same,
but then again,
the idea of you not sleeping, do make me feel....worried..lol
I still remember the day when you messaged me in the wee hours of the morning, 4am smth, stating that you haven sleep,
I remember after seeing that msg, i cant slp ler...i mean i cant sleep that well...I am worried, did you even sleep after that?
Did you this? did you that?
all the did you thingy, make me couldn't sleep..


So,
The moment you said you not gonna sleep today, 
I'm worried...
worried that you might get sick from not sleeping,
and moreover, you have 8am class later in the morning,
I am like,
CAN you even tahan??
I do not know whether your schedule is packed or not,
but i know tat, not sleeping the whole nite, and the next day, usuallly around in the afternoon,
i will begin to fall...
but then again,
what I did to advise you had been done, since you are determined to go ade,
so i let u b...
there is nth i could do...
just hope, that u dont get sick lo..


2nd..
The moment you said you gona go to the library...
damn~~ BEEBOP BEEBOP BEEBOP
2x worry, with this worry make my heartbeat more furious than the first..
why?
because the road to Library, is not only dark,
but because its raining...
raining, but u still go,
dark, but u still go,
Though you have a gang of friends to accompany you,
I just have my worries,
I jz cant stop worrying!!


HAiz,
but what can I do?
I'd given my advise,
I'd tried to talk you out of it,
I'd tried to make you sleep,
I'd tried everything,
but in vain,
you have already fix your mind...
You are already determined...
So,
what I can only do now,
is to just pray that you are safe,
pray that you wont be wet from the rain,
pray that the library is not cold enuf till you catch a cold,
pray that you din get sick,
And curse myself for not being able to succeed...
And worry all night long...


So long..
I'm gona study now, while waiting for the time to pass,
hopefully able to accompany you virtually till the next day...
at least, it will make me feel less worried...
That's the least i could do to myself..
to calm my own heart...

Just Some Random Stuffs

Have you ever seen those phrases that you somehow can be related  to it? I mean, it struck to you the moment you saw it..

Somehow, i found several of it, though its kinda old (long time ago de stufff), and it gets mushy now, somehow a certain part of it came out now and then, causing the feeling to surge up..
The tears would not fall out as it has been dried up ade...

Funny things, sometimes when u tried so hard to forget, you just remembered it eventually...

Because,

You never know where it has been stored, memory cant be lost, it is just kept in ur mind, the furthest part of ur mind, and only by hypnotizing it, will it be refreshed..

You see , good memories owaz last longer than a bad one, so the more good memory u have , the harder it is for u to forget it...

You'd remember it for a long time, unless you knocked your head and you gt memory loss, otherwise it will foreva be etched in ur mind...

And then somewhere in your path, a light shines through, you with all your curiosity, decides to pursue it, to pursue this strange light, u chased it up and down, left and right, from morning to night, dawn to dusk. Finally when you are almost within its reach...You find out that, there is a crossroad ahead of you, which path should you choose?? Left? or Right?

Then...

Either way you choose, you could be hurt, you can find happiness, but sometimes we tend to choose the wrong choices, and when tat happens,

the worlds doesnt seem tat rosy anymore,

it become dark again...the sun shines no more, emptiness fills ur heart...

But what if you chose the right path?? well then, this path isnt as rosy as what you tink it would be, prolly for the first few steps ahead, there are absolutely no obstacles for you, and you'd happilly trotting around till someday, you found out that things doesnt go according to plan...you starts to be 'bored'...

and cold war begins..

Then...

A lot of conflicts happens suddenly...and then poof, there are gone...The happiness shatters and now you're back to square one...
So, you get sad, you 'grief' over the broken relationship, u cried, u confined urself for a few days, then u tried to move on..but then...the good memories, memories of the past, kept crawling back to u, then...

After that, we came to a day (afta the long moving on period),

U met someone that you could talk to, a listener, a friend, a companion,

however, due to it being the opposite sex,

sometimes u wonder

whether all this chit chat,

is because you both are meant to be together,

but then when u found out that the opposite sex, 

is goin wit the other,

then~u start to distance...as a respect

so...

Disappointed

I don't know how to start this off,
but i know, I might have done something that touched your nerves (well, not nerves, but emotional nerve)
I don't know if I should've tell all here..
I just know, everything I did, is because I wanted you to be happy, to be able to smile again,
Even though it might not the be the most original planning ever,
I may have taken some advises,
What I did was to make you happy,

By choosing to go places you used to love a lot,
By letting u eat stuffs that you like,
I just wish by doing this things,
You are able to smile...

Maybe I don't know is that, this prolly will trigger your Cant-touch-it-there-or-I-will-explode inner side.
And you may actually have noticed what I've done.
You might have figured it all out..
You might have known it..
But you didn't wana tell me,
just to not let me emo or smth..


Ok...
First, talked about the day before...
I called you to see a doctor, because I'm sincerely worried about your skin condition,
I would have force you to see a doctor even if you rejected it,
I would have go to your room to pull you out,
just to make u go see the doctor...


I just don't wana you to complain itchy and are unable to sleep during the night..
So, I decided to bring you, to force you to see a doctor..


Next part..
So, you following us to kuantan, I've extended the time, so that we could have some proper lunch...
And so, i wonder...where to eat??
I asked you, anything you wanted to eat, feel like eating all along??
you said none...
Then, seeing that this week is not a smooth week for you,
I decided to bring you to places that you often go,
places that you liked..
But in order for me to bring you to places that you liked,
first I need to know which place,
You do not wish to tell me,
You asked me to choose,
and since I'm not from Kuantan, 
I do not a lot of places,
so I asked someone I knew should be able to know..
Yes. I asked him,
Yes i asked him where and what would you like to eat...

because,  I think, that if I brought you to these places, you prolly can remember happy thoughts, or make you happy, since its your favorite place.




Then, I brought you to see the doctor...
well, that's nothing...
all went quite fine,
till when you came out of the Doc's office..
You do not seem that happy,
Yes, you do laugh when I question you,
you do indeed smile and laugh back when I did anything..
But,
the moment you showed me you're not smiling,
I've figured out, there is something wrong....
something occurred, and I may have been the cause..(I do not know exactly why, till I reach UMP)


I do not want to ruin the mood,
so I keep cheering u up with different ways,
keep bullying you,
keep talking,
keep doing things that will make you laugh,
Temporary or Permanent,
I don't care,
as long as you can laugh...


Next, 
Desert time, Yes, once again, I asked him where to go for snack,
the reason?
Because the moment I saw you didn't smile,
I do not want to go back that early,
WHY?
Because I wanted you to fully enjoy this outing,
to not think of others,
to fully have fun...
to forget the past weeks
To enjoy yourself...


Again, while on the way, I caught sight of you not smiling..
It is a huge difference from the start we came out...
U were laughing out loud, smiling and chit-chatting all the way,
U just threw all your problems out and enjoy the moment,
For that 1 hour, I'm so glad I can bring you out..
I let you be yourself,
Let you bask in your happy moments...


But whenever I see you not smiling, I am always upset,
Everytime you are not smiling,
My heart feels ache,
ache because I have not done enough,
I'm unable to make you completely 4gt everything,
and to enjoy thoroughly..


I do not know how you found out,
But I sensed that when you found out,
You started to not smile,
You said its because of that needle,
I chose to trust you,
because deep inside,
I sincerely hoped that this thing that you found out, is not true,
I mean, i hoped that you didn't found out...


Its true, I hide it from you because,
I knew if you knew,
You wont get to enjoy much...
So i hide it...
I made lies,
To cover up,
But alas, i failed...
When you asked me if he know you were with us,
I feel like telling you the truth,
but i cant,
I cant stand to tell you the truth,
for I fear,
I fear you will not be the same as the time you first sit in the car...


Throughout dinner,
I'm in so much pain actually,
To know that you are actually, trying hard to make others feel tat you are okey,
But I oredi know,
I do not want to bongkar you,
I just let you be...
I have no appetite,
a reason I duno why,
is it because I ate snack early today??
Or is it because of others...


There are many times where you showed your not-smiling face...
I'm thoroughly dejected..
I had failed what I planned to do..
I may had succeeded yesterday, and for some time at the start...
But I failed the rest..




You see, the day before you agreed to follow us out,
I'm so happy, and glad,
to know tat you're in a super happy mood tat day,
U were laughing, joking, chatting happily with me,
U were on your own,
U have everything that you had lost since this week,
Your smile,
Your laughter,
Your self..




u may prolly disagree with me on all this,
U may say that it is not my fault,
But please,
Seeing you not smile,
I have considered it my failure..
My failure in making you smile...
My failure in making you laugh...


I've keep trying,
kept trying to think of ways to make you smile,
make you laugh
make you, you yourself again...


But the more I try,
The more I think I'm losing...


I do not want you to fake a smile everytime you see me,
I do not want you to fake a laugh,
mayb you Do smile sincerely,
mayb you DO laugh sincerely,


BUT
take note of this,
Smile....for your own sake
Laugh...for your own good,


DO NOT smile/laugh for us to see, sincere or not, you are the one who knows pretty well...


I will keep trying to make you smile everyday,
I will keep trying to make you laugh everyday,
But it is all up to u now...


It is all i can do....for you...